Have you seen The Hand That Rocks The Cradle? The movie with the gorgeous nanny who schemes to sleep with the husband and take over the house? Right. Ain’t no way I was going to get a live-in babysitter.
Claus insisted. It just makes sense, he said. No driving out of our way to drop off the baby at daycare. No wait list. Plus, we’d hire an au pair from his home country, Denmark, who would help teach the baby to speak Danish. Though it sounded pricey, he convinced me it was financially on par with the cost of Hawaii’s daycare centers.
Fine, but I warned, “You better get the ugliest one.”
He brought home resumes for me to read, but no photos. He had mysteriously left the photos at his office.
The next thing you know, Paris Hilton shows up at our doorstep. Um, I thought I told you homely, not hottie, I queried with raised eyebrow. He shrugged innocently. “What? The photo was blurry. I couldn’t tell,” he weakly defended. My house was soon a revolving door of all our long-lost guy friends.
Whatever.
So I had 21 year old, blonde, bikini-wearing, party-lovin’ Julie in my house. We came to learn she had more in common with Paris Hilton than just looks and a wealthy family. The first full day she was in Hawaii, she took off for Waikiki Beach at 8 a.m. and didn’t return home until 9:30 p.m. She always arrived for her shift punctually, but she also disappeared the minute it was over.
She maximized every free moment, getting to know Hawaii. A week or so into her stay, she was invited to a BBQ on the North Shore. She finished her shift at 8 p.m. and drove up by herself to Haleiwa. She had never been there, but was not afraid to travel alone after dark to unknown places. I worried about her safety, but I’m glad she was so adventurous, because I didn’t want her bored and unhappy.
Julie was extremely adept at making new friends, and within a few weeks, was no longer returning home to sleep. If she did come home, it was not earlier than 2 a.m. She was private, and chose not to talk to me much.
Anyway, what she did with her free time was fine with me. What was most important was that she was great with Olivia. She was, and I have no complaints about that.
We paid her for 40 hours a week, but she was sweet about offering to pick up a few hours here or there if I needed extra help. Once, my dad needed to go to the hospital, and she cancelled her beach plans to help me watch the baby.
The only drawback to Julie was her immaturity, and the way it affected her work ethic. Our job description said “child care and light house work,” but she didn’t want to do the latter. When she first arrived, we gave her a short list of easy chores, like sweep the floor daily, mop the floor weekly, and do the family’s laundry as needed (every two to three days.) For the first month, she ignored everything on the list, except the laundry.
She also would race to pick up the baby. I sensed her philosophy was that the person holding Olivia was exempt from working. If Olivia was sleeping, Julie would continue to hold the baby, when I felt she could put her down and do some housework. I was irritated the few times when I was nursing the baby and looked over to see Julie and staring, bored, out the window.
If I was playing with Olivia on the floor and she would sit with us. When I would finish nursing and she would come over and take the baby away from me. I started to resent this. My time with my baby was precious. I hired Julie to share in tasks so that I could have more time with my child, not so I could do all the housework and let someone else watch her.
Furthermore, I didn’t know how to treat a new person in my house. Like many a typical 21 year old, she didn’t like or know how to cook, so I did all the cooking. The first week or so, I fell into auto-pilot and made lunch for both of us, then cleaned up after, while she watched Olivia.
She did not offer to help, except to take the baby while I did the kitchen work. I remember thinking, I’m not the maid. She’s not a guest! She’s hired help, and not really helping much!
After two weeks, I tried something different to get her to work. I left the house with the baby, but left Julie behind. The first few times she actually asked me, as if I hadn't given her a list, “What do you want me to do today?” I would say, “Whatever’s on the list. Sweep the top floor and the porch. Vacuum. Walk the dog.” Gosh, I’d like to be paid to walk a dog.
She’d say ok, but still do half, using various excuses like “What does ‘porch’ mean?” or “I didn’t know how to use the vacuum.” I was beside myself with frustration, but didn’t want to say anything, because I was tired and afraid I was being overly picky.
Friends who know me as an outspoken, blunt person wondered why I was so silent. I was so exhausted the first few months, it affected my whole personality, including my judgment. I wanted to err on the side of caution, rather than upset someone living with me and watching my kid.
A month went by before my husband experienced it himself. Finally, he understood what I was talking about, and decided to give her a “pep talk.” He did it in Danish, so she couldn’t pretend she didn’t understand all the English.
It worked, because she was really great thereafter. For the next two months, life was a lot easier, because she was so helpful. Unfortunately, her stint ended sharply after that. It’s a complicated, convoluted story, but basically, she said she wanted to go back home, and crafted several very flimsy lies about it.
We thought we’d put her on a plane to Denmark, but we found out she actually spent an extra month right here in Honolulu with some friends. It’s a small island, and I heard through several mutual acquaintances she was seen about town, partying. I guess she thought of the au pair job as an easy way to finance an extended Hawaiian vacation, and after she had made enough friends, she no longer needed us.
She even tried to lie by inference, to some of those mutual friends. She had seen one of them at a party and implied that we knew all about her plans, as if she had been straight with us. It was hurtful to think I had made a big effort to build a friendship with her, hoping she would stay on as Olivia's au pair. We were very good to her.
Irritated? Sure I am. We didn’t pay for her expensive round trip airfare from Denmark just for three months. We had requested someone for a year, and she shouldn’t have lied about her intentions. We also paid for all her living expenses and gave her an allowance.
Her work load was more than reasonable, and we never exceeded 40 hours a week. We had gone through the trouble of converting our large home office into a private studio for her, got her a new bed, bought her a car. I gave her expensive gifts to show my appreciation for her.
Despite the flaws, I do think Julie is a good person at heart; just very young and spoiled by a rich family. Again, she was excellent with Olivia, and that is far and away the main thing. The most important realization, however, came as a pleasant surprise: that I really don’t want someone else taking care of my child. I want to do it myself.
Yes, I need time away, so we still have people helping watch Olivia, but I like being at home with her all day, five days a week. I like being the one she runs to when she bonks her head, and the one she wants at night when she’s cranky. I love our bond.
Julie left many months ago, and we’ve been just fine without her. It was a great learning experience for me, but we’re not looking to hire another au pair, at least not right now. Oh, and one more thing. If I ever do it again, it’s going to be a hot guy.
Suggestions for child care
Sure, you’ve called the state’s PATCH line and looked for referrals. You’ve waitlisted yourself at all the downtown child care centers. By the time you called babysitter referrals from friends, they’re booked solid.
I know.
What about something less conventional, like finding a housemate who will watch your kid in exchange for free room and board? Or going to mahalonanny.com and looking for a Hawaii-based sitter? It’s a local website which pairs up parents and caregivers, much the same way a dating service works. You can hire someone to live with you, or just commute to your house.
Just a suggestion.
Au Pair vs. Nanny
I’ve learned that au pair and nanny are not quite the same thing. Dictionary.com defines au pair as “a person, usually a young foreign visitor, employed to take care of children, do housework, etc., in exchange for room and board.” That was Julie.
A nanny, however is “a person, usually with special training, employed to care for children in a household.”
So now when I use the terms I try to be a little more accurate since they're not the same thing.
