This column is a response to one reader, who asked me in March to talk about options for couples having trouble conceiving.
I decided to ask my friend and former coworker, Beth Hillyer, to share her story. Beth gave birth to healthy twin boys, Luke and Lane, on June 25 after trying for three years with in vitro. She was bravely willing to talk about this very emotional and intimate time, in hopes of helping other couples.
Beth had a 20 year career in television news as a reporter. She worked here in Hawaii at KHON, KHNL, and also in Salt Lake City, Utah; Tucson, Arizona; and Japan. She is currently taking time off to be a full time mother. Beth is a military wife and recently moved to Anchorage, Alaska, to follow her husband John, an Air Force pilot.
I sat across her at work for years, and shared some of her trials and tribulations as she was enduring this process. At one point, when I had also decided to have a child, we were both trying to get pregnant at the same time. She bought us identical diaper bags and laughed that soon, we’d both be strolling our kids around the park with the hippest mommy bags ever.
There was a point at which I knew things were going badly for her, and we stopped talking about it. What made matters more awkward was that I had become pregnant. If ever I was tempted to complain about it, the thought of my suffering friend kept me in check. For a little while, I even put away the diaper bag.
I’m so thrilled for Beth and John. It couldn’t have happened to nicer people. Their boys are so lucky to be raised by such grounded, caring parents. I’ve brought out the diaper bag again. I’m just sorry that we won’t be sporting them together on joint kiddie outings, but of course, I’m going to think of Beth fondly every time I look at it.
In Beth’s words:
I tried for three years to get pregnant. It was a long, drawn out process. It’s not for the weak of heart. You have to have a really good support system. There are so many lows: Giving yourself a shot with a three inch needle when you’re already sore. Getting negative test results. Unforseen delays. Major expenses. Even unforeseen expenses, like finding out you need more of a drug, and the drug is $500.
The cost is huge. Ours cost us at least $60,000. You have to beg, borrow, and steal. You only have a small window to do this. Conventional wisdom is that the woman’s clock stops ticking at age 37 or 38. If you’re running out of time AND you don’t have the money, it’s hard for a lot of people. You often have to put a deposit up front. Who has that kind of money lying around?
Once piece of advice is that you start early. If you even think there is a problem, get to a specialist ASAP. The diagnosis takes time. Is it him or her? If it’s her, is it endometriosis, egg quality, egg quantity, or another medical reason? They’ll give you medication to help you produce more eggs. If that doesn’t work, they suggest artificial insemination. On and on. It takes a year to figure out where the problem is.
There are many options in Hawaii and the Mainland. You should research the different costs. I found it was cheaper to go to the Mainland. There are ‘guarantee’ programs where you can get a cycle of, say, four in vitros and if it doesn’t work you can get 85% of your money back.
After the second failed try, I was going to give up. I continued because I’m hard headed. (Laugh.) No. My husband was excellent. He and I aren’t quitters and we felt we wanted to try. After a disappointment, it takes a day or two to regroup. A lot of people quit because emotionally they can’t keep going. I understand that. Your desire has to outweigh the letdown.
During the process, it helps to have faith in a higher power. There are so many ups and downs. You need more than family and friends to get through this. You’re so not in control. If you’re a control person, it’s not going to go well for you!
This is also important advice: at the start, it has to be like a horse race. Keep in your blinders and ignore all else, and just race to finish. If you stop, it’s hard to keep going. I never stopped. If one failed, I did another one. I’d schedule the next test or procedure just days after learning something hadn’t gone well. Run to the finish line.
This is a great simile for Hawaii people because we love to gamble. It’s like playing the odds. The more you play, the more chance you win.
Here’s something key. I didn’t know this. My first try at a clinic in Nebraska failed, and it went badly. We went on to learn each fertility clinic must publish their success rate with the Centers for Disease Control (http://www.cdc.gov/art/ART2005/index.htm). That Nebraska clinic had a 19% success rate. I had chosen it because was recommend by family and friends. My mom knew someone with a good reputation. You must do your homework and look beyond anecdotes like that.
The clinic in Chicago had a 70% success rate. I don’t know why one clinic is more successful than another, but it made a difference. After several tries there I got pregnant.
Try surrogates. There is a village in India where it’s $12,000 to hire a surrogate mother. In the US it’s $70,000. There are 40 Indian women in this village now pregnant with US babies. It was even on Oprah. (http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/features/womb-rent-surrogate-mothers-india or http://www.oprah.com/world/health/slide/20071009/health_284_105.jhtml)
The hope I want to give is, if you really want a family there are so many opportunities. Exhaust every option, then look at adoption. There are a lot of foster kids that need homes. Everyone wants their own baby, but at a certain point you have to accept that may not happen. If you still want a family you have to be open to that. We were considering it.
I was kind of on my last leg. I was physically going through the procedures, but mentally it was wearing on me. I was starting to give up. I didn’t think it was going to happen. And it did!
When I found out I was pregnant, I was so afraid. Every little cramp scared me. I was a nervous wreck for the first three months. I cut out all stress and risks. I was extremely conservative. All I did was work and sleep. No horse riding, no farming, no gardening, no jogging, no caffeine.
At three and a half months, I finally let myself believe it was going to happen. (Beth starts tearing up.) What a blessing. I have no words to describe the joy. I’m the luckiest person. I should go to Las Vegas. I can’t believe I got not one but two. And I got exactly what I wanted: boys! My prayers were answered. Everyone who stuck through this with me feels the joy too. Like you. You’ve been great. (Thanks, Beth!)
If this motivates even one couple to keep trying, I’ll be happy.
