I have a guy taking care of Olivia. A straight man, on top of that. And he’s not a college student or in his twenties. Wow! He’s like, a unicorn or something!
I’ve stumbled upon one of the last fields of work where gender bias is definitely alive and well. I don’t understand why it’s such a weird, surprising thing for people. One hundred percent of the time when I speak of Olivia’s babysitter, people immediately respond in the feminine. “Tell your babysitter she can…”
I usually don’t bother wasting my breath correcting them. If the conversation is protracted and I eventually clarify that it’s a ‘him’ not a ‘her,’ it’s like I’ve thrown a verbal speedbump out. “Huh? You have a male sitter?”
Childcare expert Kathy Bentley of Kathy’s Parenting Solutions http://www.kathysparentingsolutions.com/ says in her 20 years in the field, she has never heard of a male nanny – men working at daycare centers, yes; but living in the home, no. “Way fewer men go into the field because it doesn’t pay well, and culturally, they’re not perceived as nurturing. In fact, there is a terrible social stigma that men who go into childcare are likely pedophiles, or why else would they want to do this?”
I didn’t realize the bias ran that deep, but now that Kathy says it, I can see it. When I was telling one girlfriend that I was considering hiring Jul, she emphatically urged me not to. She pleaded, “But, a man? Why would you want to let a man watch your baby?” I didn’t get her urgency at the time, but now that Kathy’s articulated the prejudice, I finally realize why my friend was so alarmed.
When we hired our first au pair, ten percent of the applications were from men. We chose a female because the stereotype is that they’re sweeter, softer, gentler, and more nurturing. It felt safer. Besides, one of the guys actually admitted on his application that he wanted to live in Hawaii so he can windsurf more. I feel for fast-food hiring managers.
In retrospect, I subconsciously bought into the ‘not nurturing’ part of the stereotype because we chose a 21 year old, harmless-sounding woman who emphasized that she just loved playing with her younger sister. She enforced the image by sending us a really Heidi-looking photo of herself in blonde braids, skirt billowing over a green meadow with a lake in the background, surrounded by little Aryan girls and a sheep dog. The real Julie (cue techno music) was more like her MySpace profile with a leather mini skirt, fishnet stockings, and black stilettos.
That was a short-lived arrangement. After we disappointingly parted ways with Julie, (http://www.aroundhawaii.com/lifestyle/art_and_leisure/2008-04-the-au-pair-experience.html) we dragged our asses back to square one reluctantly. Hey, it’s a pain to start the hiring process all over, and wonder if this one is going to work out.
This whole time, I’d been talking to my friend Jul about what we were going through, and it dawned on both of us that maybe he would be good fit. After all, he was going through a transition in his life, and he loves kids. We have a large room to offer, and some other job perks that were attractive to him.
After some exploratory conversations, we excitedly agreed to have Jul move in. That was almost a year ago. There’s a lot of things to like about this setup, but one of the most appealing to us is that we’ve known him for a long time and we know he’s an outstanding human being. We met him in 2003, when he coached me for a triathlon. By complete coincidence, he and my husband are from the same country, so they hit it off.
Which brings me to my next point. We hope to raise Olivia in a bilingual environment, so having a provider who speaks Danish helps with her learning curve. Shortly, my in laws will be coming out for a couple months, and they don’t speak English well, so it’ll be Danish immersion around here.
It’s REALLY comforting to know I can leave my child in the care of someone who I like and trust. I’m so paranoid about all those horrible news reports I read about abusive caregivers.
Jul is the gentlest human being around, and so sweet with Olivia. It’s cute to see her shriek with joy when he walks into the room. He takes her for play dates, swims, and sightseeing in her jogging stroller. She obviously loves him.
“Men are nurturing. They just do it differently,” Kathy points out. “Women carry infants to face in, which is a nurturing response. Men usually face the baby out. Men are spatially oriented and want to see the world. For older children, women are often urging caution, but men encourage the kids to climb higher and explore. If you want your child to be a risk taker, expose them to caregivers who will encourage them to take risks.”
Because I’ve been sensitized to the issue of gender in childcare, I started thinking about men I know who are great with kids. My cousin Chris is a union carpenter who took off a year to be a nanny for a friend who really needed help. He is over at my house a lot and Olivia adores him. My friend Yoshi, who is like a little brother, accompanied me on a trip to California with the specific purpose of helping me watch Olivia, since my husband and manny couldn’t make it. Both men are unquestionably heterosexual.
I feel lucky to have a great situation that works for all parties. Other parents and I talk about the difficulties of child care: besides the trust issues, there’s a constant shortage of good referrals, and then there’s the cost.
My friend Lisa Cressman and husband Dave live in Kailua-Kona. They work full time. She shares, “I feel lucky that in a small town where there aren't that many PATCH sitters or referrals to go by, I actually found a great sitter for Chase. She is really good with him and always keeps me updated on new words, mannerisms, and time outs.”
“It’s extremely difficult to find child care, especially for toddlers who aren’t potty trained yet. Part of the problem, again, is the low pay. This society just doesn’t value providers enough, but they should, because this is an important investment for your child,” says Kathy Bentley. “I hope to see more men enter this field in the future, but currently, men working in childcare constitute a very, very small percentage.”
Jul and I have a pretty good situation. His pay package is an in-kind trade: he gets room, board, car, and garage parking, in return for watching her 23 hours a week. He still has his day jobs (two full time, two part time, occasional community service, plus being a dedicated marathoner), though they are flexible enough that he can work around a pre-planned schedule.
I know ours is a pretty specific setup that comes along so infrequently, it requires the moon and stars to be in exact perfect alignment. It works well for us, but whether or not it’s the solution for you depends on if you can live with other people, and how particular you are about having your caregiver licensed and trained.
Personally, I like roommate situations because I believe communal living has more payoffs. We’re lucky to have a large enough house that doesn’t feel cramped. And Jul is a great roommate- tidy and quiet.
“I’m writing about you,” I laughed to Jul as we stood over the crib one afternoon. “The ‘manny’? I prefer the term ‘roommate with benefits,” he quipped back. Then he paused. “Just make sure people know what the benefits are.”
Footnote: I casually use the term ‘nanny’ but that’s technically wrong. Nanny is defined as a person who’s had early childhood education. The more accurate term for Jul is ‘childcare provider,’ ‘caregiver,’ or the currently-less-vogue ‘babysitter.’ Kathy tells me that the industry is trying to lose the term ‘babysitter’ in favor of a more professional sounding title, in the hopes of raising the image and the bar for the entire industry.
And, here is a good website about male caregivers: http://www.menteach.org/
